I have to admit, I’ve felt very uninspired to write a new post regarding the details of my two hour surgery consult last Monday. I started it, but mostly I’ve preferred to forget about it. It is a draft that I will pick back up in order to provide those who are interested with a detailed account of my two hour surgery consult. But for now, emotional rhetoric….
The last couple of days, I’ve been feeling strangled by this lump in my throat. Not sure if it’s psychosomatic as my surgery approaches, but it’s not the first time I’ve felt this. Usually, it’s only noticeable when I hug Anto with my chin above his shoulder; when I do chest opening stretches; and when I sleep on my stomach, that I can feel its constricting presence against my trachea. Yesterday and today, its suffocating grip has been there at every moment of the day, leaving me in a panic to get it out of my body. Perhaps my subconscious reinforcing the validity of my decision.
Yesterday, multiple times, I had to consciously fight off anxiety that started to creep in. It felt like generalized anxiety in that I wasn’t sure what was wrong, I just felt easy. Then, presented with physical symptom (dizziness, light headed/faint feeling, arrhythmia, vision changes), the same thoughts rush to my head:
Is this it? Is this what it feels like as my thyroid finally decides to abandon ship and dumps all its excess baggage into my bloodstream? Is this the beginning of a thyroid storm? Will I be on my way to the hospital soon? Will I be able to think clearly enough to call for help?
I’m looking forward to tossing that recurring worry aside as I move on with my life. I’m looking forward to relieving myself of that stifling lump in my throat at all times. I’m looking forward to joining the living. I’ve spent too much time feeling deformed, thus unworthy; filled with shame and needing to hide. Living this way has eroded my quality of life and as I’ve said before, perhaps if I were a more evolved person, it would not affect me in this way and I would forge ahead, unaffected by my perception of what others think of me. That quest continues, maybe for the rest of this lifetime, but I’m not willing to give up any more of my life and fleeting youth to shame and anxiety, and I’m going to have to keep trying to transcend the ego without my thyroid.
Though I don’t necessarily believe in equating objects with accomplishment, I do have one small material reward that I’m awaiting regarding this surgery. There is a necklace that I bought just before my initial diagnosis roughly six years ago and have never since been able to enjoy. That is, unless coveting it hanging in the corner of my bathroom every day for the last six years counts as such. It’s handmade by one of my favorite local jewelry artisans, Christina from Vivid Boutique in Decatur. It’s blue topaz – my birthstone – and it’s not that it was expensive, it’s just absolutely beautiful and my neck was, and will be again, so slender that it’s fairly small and it fits too tightly now, never mind that I avoid drawing any attention to my neck. As an added bonus, it might also lay nicely over the scar.