I’m starting to get butterflies. I haven’t been able to focus much on the upcoming surgery because I was walloped with a nasty cold late Friday night. I was basically bedridden all of Saturday; managed to take a shower without passing out on Sunday; had my friend/neighbor to drive me to the airport to pick up my mom, as I did not feel it was safe for me to be driving; but started to do better once I was able to eat some food. Today I am finally getting stronger and feeling better. I do have a horrendous cough and it is a concern for me that the anesthesiologist may opt to delay surgery.
At this point, it’s been such a long, drawn out, emotional process that I just want to get it over with already. I feel like I’m at the end of a very long, very high diving board and as I take my first bounce, they might tell me to climb down and come back another day. I had an unfortunate experience with a diving board in seventh grade, so I’d rather just cannonball off the side. Even if it’s not as graceful, at least I’ve taken the leap and I’m in the water. I must admit, there is, and will probably always be, a part of me that believes that this organ belongs in my body and would do anything to avoid having it cut from my neck. Delaying my decision, however, is not the answer. It may be what happens due solely to safety reasons, but it will not be my call.
I spoke with a nurse from general surgery and she said I could take an expectorant, so I went straight to cvs and grabbed some to give my lungs every chance to be as clear as possible by tomorrow morning. Last night I hovered over a bowl of steaming eucalyptus water – being a soap-maker comes in handy more often than you’d think. That seemed to have helped based on the way I felt this morning.
When I laugh though…. I sound like I’ve spent thirty years suckin’ on the butt end of a Marlboro Red. *shudder* The nurse did say that it’s common to reschedule surgery when the patient has been sick, but she also gave me the option to reschedule or move forward based on how bad I feel. I actually felt pretty good about halfway through today. I get short of breath easily, but I’m rapidly gaining strength. I feel like this is my time to be strong. This is my time to dig deep and use the power of my body’s central operating system – my brain – and remember how robust my life force is when I think positively. I remember how relatively easily I made it through my tonsillectomy 13 years ago. I’ve made it through countless difficult physical situations simply by breathing, letting go, and understanding that it won’t last forever and all I have to do is make it through one moment at a time until I’m thriving. Someone please remind me of this when I need it.