Monday has been careening towards me like one of those dolly zoom shots in the movies…
I somehow manage to keep this distance in my mind while emotionally connected and even, dare I say, looking forward to my appointment. Tomorrow will not be particularly eventful on the physical plane, but tomorrow I set the date. It’s when the lingering possibility of the future becomes defined. The countdown to the end of this way of life begins. Though I feel mostly hopeful and optimistic, even excited, there remains some ambivalence. This week has seen me through a few seemingly unexplained mood swings.
One day I found myself to be quite grumpy and irritable, though I hadn’t been conscious of it until I opened my mouth and heard the tone I had towards my Mom. It was a short conversation, I apologized, explained, and thought better of interacting with anyone until necessary. On another occasion, I couldn’t shake the mental fog surrounding me at work. It’s unusual that I can’t shake it at some point during the evening. This time it just lingered. A few days ago, I had my first moment of genuine excitement. It blindsided me, though I was grateful for the feeling. I’ve spent enough time feeling fear and helplessness, it’s quite time for hope and action.
My version of action and participation are small actions that I can take to help ease myself into my new life before the stark shift that will occur with surgery. Every time I put my hair back and feel self conscious about the lump in my throat, I instead imagine a scar there and try to place myself in the feeling of “after”. Anything I can do to mitigate the shock of one day having my thyroid and the next, not, is constructive. I plan to prepare myself as much as possible, participate in any way I can to receive my new way of life.
One thing I know is that there was a grieving process upon diagnosis and I can tell that another has begun upon taking real action with this new decision. That in mind, the mood shifts I’ve been having this week seem more predictable than inexplicable. So, tomorrow, I plan to go to the appointment; take some time to absorb and reflect; take a walk with my boyfriend; take the day as it comes and the emotions as they come. Tomorrow will be all about relaxing, loving, laughing, and being grateful for life as I know it, for even if I wasn’t scheduling surgery, there are no guarantees, and life as you know it can change in an instant. I plan to be thankful for the chance to prepare for the unknown.